Notable Quotations
Words to live by
collected by Jeffrey Sward
 
Life as we know it is already odd and unsettling. So for true surrealism, we are right back with documentary photography. - Judy Jones and William Wilson from An Incomplete Education.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. - Mark Twain
We have met the enemy and he is us. - Walt Kelly's Pogo
All of the significant battles are waged within the self. - Wu-men
Time, space, and causality are only metaphors of knowledge, with which we explain things to ourselves. - Friedrich Nietzsche
All pigs are equal, but some pigs are more equal than others. - George Orwell
Vanity of vanities. All is vanity. The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun. - Ecclesiastes
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose. - Ecclesiastes
The Supreme Court has made its decision, now let them enforce it. - President Andrew Jackson, responding to the Supreme Court decision Worcester v. Georgia (1832).
No matter whether the constitution follows the flag or not, the Supreme Court follows the election returns. - Finley Peter Dunne as Mr. Dooley
A man has more fun wishing for the things he hasn't got than enjoying the things he has got. - Finley Peter Dunne as Mr. Dooley
Trust everybody, but cut the cards. - Finley Peter Dunne as Mr. Dooley
If a man wants to strangle his wife and throw her in the kitchen sink, let him do it any way he wants to. If he's doing it awkwardly, or not the way I'd do it, all right -- it's a good job so long as he gets her into the sink, completely strangled. - Lejaren A. Hiller, Sr.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Attributed to Dale Carnegie.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde
People are just like farm equipment. They rust out quicker than they wear out. – Colonel Harlan Saunders
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. -- Mark Twain
There are more salted peanuts consumed than caviar. - Mickey Spillane
As we grow older, we move from the illusion of certainty to the certainty of illusion. - Paraphrased from a quote attributed to Sam Keen
His use of an accordion section in his arrangements, steadfast rhythmic beat, and sentimentalized tempi imparted to his renditions a rudimentary sound quality that made him a favorite with undiscriminating audiences. - Nicolas Slomimsky writing about Lawrence Welk.
Pumpkin pie is a living symbol of mediocrity.  The best pumpkin pie you ever ate wasn't all that much different from the worst pumpkin pie you ever ate. - Garrison Keillor
We live in a world where losing your cellular phone is way more dramatic than losing your virginity. - Nick Brundle (2016)
Fashion is more usually a gentle progression of revisited ideas. - Bruce Oldfield
The novelties of one generation are only the resuscitated fashions of the generation before last. - George Bernard Shaw
What is it with you and moving vehicles? - Izabella Scorupco as Natalya Simonova to Pierce Brosnan as James Bond (007) in the motion picture GoldenEye
I haven't seen Iowa people get so excited since the night Frank Gotch and Strangler Lewis lay on the mat for three and a half hours without moving a muscle. - Meredith Wilson, as Mayor Shinn in The Music Man.
Did you find anything missing? - Victor Borge
Dropped my watch. - Victor Borge
It ain't over till it's over. - Yogi Berra
It's like deja vu all over again. - Yogi Berra
When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra
I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. - Yogi Berra
Nobody goes there any more, it's too crowded - Yogi Berra
Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical. - Yogi Berra
Man was not made to travel faster than a baseball - Yogi Berra
If people don't want to come to the ballpark, how are you gonna stop them? - Yogi Berra
The future ain't what it used to be. - Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot by watching - Yogi Berra
The quieter you become, the more you can hear. - Baba Ram Dass
It ain't nothing until I call it - Attributed to both Charles Moran and Bill Klem, major league baseball umpires, referring to the metaphysical existence of balls and strikes.
If you don't think you are out, read the morning newspaper - Bill McGowan, major league baseball umpire.
Maybe I called it wrong, but it's official - Tom Connally, major league baseball umpire.
If you loose something you never had, how can you find it? - Paul Clement
When the quotations of Yogi Berra and Paul Clement can be understood implicitly, then a higher level of consciousness has been reached. - Jeffrey Sward
A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it - Dogen Zenji
If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it? - Dogen Zenji
All truth is very ordinary. - Brian Perkins
There is more than one path up the mountain. - Zen aphorism
There is always something wrong with everything.  - Zen aphorism
The cloud rises in the sky suddenly and then is gone without a trace. -- paraphrased from Ma-tsu
Drawing a pattern on the water is neither born nor passes away.-- paraphrased from Ma-tsu
Things are not what they seem nor are they otherwise.-- Lankavatara Sutra

Things are seldom what they seem, skim milk masquerades as cream.- William S. Gilbert

Water which is too pure has no fish. - Ts'ai Ken T'an

If you already knew the flame was fire then the meal was cooked a long time ago. - Hsin Hsin Ming

We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want. - Lao Tzu
The cup must first be empty before it can be filled anew. - Jeffrey Sward
To be empty is to be empty of something - Zen aphorism
If you do not get it from yourself, where will you go for it? - Zen aphorism
The Tao abides in non-action, yet nothing is left undone. - Lao Tzu
Preoccupied with a single leaf you won't see the tree. - Zen aphorism
Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision. - Hsi-Tang
Life is the only thing worth living for. - Wu-men
Life is a can of tuna. It's messy. It stinks. You can fit all the good bit in one bowl. Some cans are better than others and every now and then a bone pops out. But you still eat it. - Darby Conley as Bucky in Get Fuzzy
Life is a meaningless experience into which we all try to imbue as much meaning as possible. - The Dwarf
Life is a stagnant pool where the only diversion is swatting mosquitoes. - The Dwarf
Life is like stepping onto a boat that is about to sail out to sea and sink. - Shunryu Suzuki
Life is being forced to participate in a drama and role not of your choosing which ends abruptly and badly. - Jeffrey Sward
The play's the thing - William Shakespeare
A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving -- Lao Tsu
When you flee from a wolft you run into a bear. -- Finnish proverb
The best thing about remembering the past is forgetting what would have made you happy. - The Dwarf
You sag more if you have more to sag. - The Dwarf
There are no guarantees in life. - The Dwarf
Guarantees are not part of this world we live in - Jerry Brown, Jr.
If you do not know where you are going then you are certain to get there - Jeffrey Sward
A well-formed sense of denial can overcome any level of reality. - Jeffrey Sward
Ethics in business is an oxymoron. - Jeffrey Sward
Taxonomic lexicon is another word for thesaurus.  - Jeffrey Sward
The best photographs on display at county fairs are inevitably taken by sixth graders. This is because sixth graders have not yet had their aesthetics corrupted by The Gospel According to Eastman Kodak or other similar expressions of vapid sentimentality. - Jeffrey Sward
Photographs are not real. Rather, photographs are merely an abstraction of what might once have existed. - Jeffrey Sward.
You will never look like the girl in the magazine. The girl in the magazine doesn't look like the girl in the magazine. – Jessimae Peluso
You can not put nobility in the bank. - William D. Lee
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. -- Mark Twain
All generalizations are false, including this one. -- Mark Twain
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education. -- Mark Twain
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. -- Mark Twain
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so. -- Mark Twain
First get your facts, then you can distort them at your leisure. - Mark Twain
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. -- Winston Churchill
There is nothing so absurd that it cannot be believed as truth if repeated often enough. -- William James
Correlation does not imply causation. -- Statistical Aphorism
Do not confuse results with intent. - Paraphrased from Milton Friedman
Every cause produces more than one effect. -- Herbert Spencer
The cause is hidden, but the result is well known -- Ovid
The reverse side also has a reverse side -- Japanese proverb
The inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -- Alfred Hitchcock
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. - Anonymous.
I like pigs: cats look down on human beings, dogs look up to them, but pigs just treat us as their equals. - Winston Churchill
In a race, the quickest runner can never overtake the slowest, since the pursuer must first reach the point whence the pursued started, so that the slower must always hold a lead. - Aristotle, paraphrasing Zeno of Elea
That which is in locomotion must arrive at the half-way stage before it arrives at the goal. (Travel over any finite distance can neither be completed nor begun, and so all motion must be an illusion.) - Aristotle, paraphrasing Zeno of Elea
If everything when it occupies an equal space is at rest, and if that which is in locomotion is always occupying such a space at any moment, the flying arrow is therefore motionless. - Aristotle, paraphrasing Zeno of Elea
Less is more - Ludwig Mies van der Rohe referring to the aesthetics of minimalist architectural design.
Less is not more.  More is more. - Dolly Parton
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap. - Dolly Parton
When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he is looking. If he is looking at my eyes, he is looking for intelligence. If he is looking at my mouth, he is looking for wisdom. But if he is looking anywhere else except my chest he's looking for another man. - Dolly Parton
I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
Find out who you are, and do it on purpose. - Dolly Parton
A need to devour, punish, humiliate or surrender seems to be a primal part of human nature, and it's certainly a big part of sex. - Charlotte Rampling
Say what you mean and mean what you say - Paraphrased from Lewis Carroll as the March Hare
To those who understand, no explanation is necessary, to those who do not understand, no explanation is possible. - Traditional
Man, if you gotta ask, you'll never know. - Louis Armstrong
If you have to ask if the earth moved, then it probably didn't. - The Dwarf
The Dwarf is a wisp of gossamer, the scent of lily of the valley, and the trumpet voice of the penguin. - Jeffrey Sward
Mental activity is like a deadly poisonous cobra. If we don’t interfere with a cobra, how poisonous it may be, it simply goes its own away. - Ajahn Chah
Life is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime, and the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. - Crowfoot Blackfoot
Zen Sarcasm
Short Version Basic Philosophy
Laws of the House of God
I. Gomers do not die.
II. Gomers go to ground.
III. At a cardiac arrest, the first procedure is to take your own pulse.
IV. The patient is the one with the disease.
V. Placement comes first.
VI. Any body cavity can be reached with a #14 needle and a good strong arm.
VII. Age + Bun = Lasix dose.
VIII. They can always hurt you more.
IX. The only good admission is a dead admission.
X. If you don't take a temperature, you can't find a fever.
XI. Show me a Best Medical Student who only triples my work and I will kiss his feet.
XII. If the radiology resident and the Best Medical Student both see a lesion on the chest X-ray, there can be no lesion there.
XIII. A turf to neurology never bounces.
XIV. The delivery of medical care is to do as much nothing as possible.
- Samuel Shem, from a novel of the same name
A sedated prepped body lying around unattended for five hours in a corridor near radiology will not be noticed. 
-- Paddy Chayefsky, paraphrased from The Hospital  
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?
- Epicurus
Haiku are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
- Rolf Nelson
[Grammar Corrected]
The canker blooms have full as deep a dye
As the perfumed tincture of the roses.
- William Shakespeare
The crow doth sing as sweetly as the lark,
When neither is attended, and I think
The nightingale, if she should sing by day,
When every goose is cackling, would be thought
No better a musician than the wren.
How many things by season season'd are
To their right praise and true perfection!
- William Shakespeare
Tell me where is fancy bred,
Or in the heart or in the head?
- William Shakespeare
What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
Present mirth hath present laughter;
What's to come is still unsure:
In delay there lies no plenty;
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
- William Shakespeare
O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!
The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword;
The expectancy and rose of the fair state,
The glass of fashion and the mould of form,
The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!
- William Shakespeare
Seeing too much sadness hath congeal'd your blood,
And melancholy is the nurse of frenzy:
Therefore they thought it good you hear a play
And frame your mind to mirth and merriment
- William Shakespeare
For I have sworne thee fair, and thought thee bright
Who are as black as hell as dark as night
.- William Shakespeare
She should have died hereafter;
There would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
- William Shakespeare
The girls today in society,
Go for classical poetry,
So to win their hearts one must quote with ease
Aeschylus and Euripides.
One must know Homer and, believe me, Bo,
Sophocles, also Sappho-ho!
Unless you know Shelley and Keats and Pope.
Dainty debbies will call you a dope.
But the poet of them all
Who will start ‘em simply ravin’
Is the poet people call
The bard of Stratford-on-Avon.
Brush up your Shakespeare
Start quoting him now.
Brush up your Shakespeare
And the women you will wow.
- Cole Porter
 
 

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